Rose Colored Glasses

The old me... a mere three years ago

I have made the comment many times that when I look in the mirror or in pictures, I know that I do not see the same person that others see.  Maybe many has this problem.  We see our problem areas or insecurities more readily.  We judge ourselves harder then others... sometimes.  It is getting better.  I can honestly say that 90% of the time when I look in the mirror now, I like what I see.  Do I see exactly what others see, maybe not... but at least I like what I see.  I never wore make-up, learned to do my hair, or took the time to learn how to really dress stylishly because as a teen and young adult, I felt like people thought I was trying to make up for being large with make-up and clothes... and I thought it was a waste of time since no one liked how I looked anyway.  When I did get "fancied" up and no one noticed, in my head it confirmed my suspicions.  How twisted it that...yeesh.

Thank God for a renewed mind!  (Although I still don't really know how to do my hair and make-up haha)

Even now, when I look at my clothes, I have a skewed view of them.  I wear size small top and size 4 or 6 jeans, and yet when I hold them up to put them on, I still see a size 12 or 14.  I was up to a size 22 at my largest, so seeing myself as a size 12 is coming a long way.   When I go shopping, I still gravitate toward larger sizes because they "look right."  A matter of old habits dying hard... probably. 

Pictures are issue too.  Since I was a teenager, I HATED having my picture taken.  Love to take pictures... hate to be in them.  The reason then, I did not like myself or the way I looked.  Major self-esteem issues, but that's for another blog.  When I look at old pictures now, I think "who in the heck is that person with my face?"  When I look at new pictures of me, I think "who in the heck is that person with my face?"  I am caught in this weird middle ground where I don't really recognize either the old physical me or the new physical me.  I realized in the last few days as I have been organizing and uploading pictures that I have very few pictures of me...from the last 5 years that I have had a digital camera and I am sure if I look back at my prints from before my digital age, their would be few of me there as well. 

the new me...Thanksgiving 2010

In the book of 1st Samuel, when the Lord sends Samuel to find his new King to replace King Saul, He tells he "Samuel, Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."  I know that I am a precious child of God.  I know that He created me and that He loves.  I know that what people think about my body and my appearance should not matter (expect maybe my husband because I want him to be proud of me and take pleasure in my appearance ;) ) But we are stewards of our earthy bodies and must take care of them.  God loved me when I was 270 pounds just as much as He loves me now...UNCONDITIONALLY.  But I feel better about myself now.  I just have some mental baggage when it comes to actually seeing myself.  ;)

My goal: to get more pictures of me.  :) 


Thank God for a renewed mind!