First Post of 2011

I am listening to a "Purpose Driven Life - Commuter Version". Little snippet devotions once a day for 40 days. I may or may not post my reflections, but I thought it would be a good way to start.

Day 1 - What is your purpose? To discover the purpose of an invention, one must ask the inventor. We may be able to guess at its use, and probably get pretty close. But wouldn't it be better to ask the inventor. I got a Ipad for Christmas. I can honestly say that I have no idea the extent of what it can do... I need to take a trip to the nearest Apple store. I can do some pretty cool stuff, but I haven't unlocked all that it is capable of. In the same light, I think I know part of God's purpose for my life. I think I have accomplished and see some of what He has for me...but I know that what He has in store is bigger than I could ask, think, or imagine and in order to fully understand His purpose for me, I MUST be in contact with Him. I don't fully comprehend His love, grace, mercy, judgment...I might never fully understand it.

Part of my purpose is to seek that out, to have a relationship with Him. God's purpose for me goes beyond my career, my spouse, my day to day. My purpose was chosen for me before I was born. God knew me, knew who I would become, knows my strengths and weaknesses, and even the number of hairs on my head. His purpose for me is for good, to give me a future and a hope. It fits into His bigger plan, far beyond what I can ask or imagine.

Point to Ponder: Its not about me. Ever.

Colossians 1:16: For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.

Since I already missed January 1st, I am not sure if daily blogging is my cup of tea, but we shall see. I felt like I need to commentate on what has been going on in the past year in order to move forward. This is not the whole story, but enough to give a little background. (All names and identities have been changed to protect the innocent).

I honestly can not believe it is already the year 2011. It is ridiculously crazy how fast time has flown. Looking back, the last 18 months of my life have been a crazy roller coaster of emotions and situations. A year ago, we had three children, now we have one. Within the last three years, I have gone from a regular ole' math teacher, to a state curriculum person, to a math and language arts teacher. That in and of itself has been a major learning curve. I struggle daily with knowing if I am doing right by my students, but I just do the best I can and learn as I go. I am thankful to be surrounded by

Mr. T came to us in November 2009, a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Tony picked him up at 7 at night from the NICU where he had spent the first 11 days of life. Mr. T was a drug exposed baby, born to a virtually homeless young mother. He cried, fussed, threw up everything he ate, and was very sensitive to being overstimulated by lights and noise. Mr. T left us almost 5 months later, the week before Easter 2010. When he left, he was finally sleeping through the night, was starting to sit up, and was doing incredibly well. Although I cried when he left, I had a peace about where he was going and we have since learned that the kinship placement he went to is now his forever home. :)

Big Man came to us Sept 1, 2009. He was only going to be with us for a few weeks, because DHS kept saying there was a kinship placement for him.... a few weeks turned into a year (minus a day). Big Man was a lovable, yet sneaky, active, and ornery 5 year old. He was the first child that we tried..I mean tried...to do the "bridge" parenting with his bio mom. We supervised weekly visits with mom, siblings, grandfather, aunts and uncles. We had a family birthday party, thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner. We had bio mom out to our home. We met mom two or three times a week to pick up after her unsupervised visits started....and it still all feel apart for her. Big Man is now with a new hopefully "forever family." He is very loved, very well taken care of, and is doing very well, all things considered. I continue to pray for him, his bio family (he has many sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles who all love him), and his new family. What a major adjustment for him and those who love him.

And then there is Lil Miss. Her story is way to long and complicated to even begin to go into here. She has been with us since she was only days old and will be a full fledged two year old in a week. It is our hope and prayer that by the end of 2011, she will be legally ours, however, in our hearts she already is ours.

When Big Man, being 5, came to our home it was obvious that he had a mama that he adored and loved, so the love I have for him was always through that lens. I don't think I ever saw myself as his Mommy and I knew he didn't want me to be his Mommy. I cared for him. Love him still...and always will love him. I wanted to protect him and make sure that everything in his life was working toward the plans God had for him. I tried to help nurture his relationship with his bio mom, as it looked like he would be going home to her. But I never saw him as my son the way I see Lil Miss as my daughter.

With Mr. T, there was more attachment, but I think I always knew that he would not be with us always. I love him and still pray for him and his family often.

With Lil Miss, I loved her like my own from day one. Maybe it was because she was our first foster child. Maybe it was because we were told from day one that she was 99% sure to be going up for adoption due to bio mom's history (and have learned if you ever hear this from a DHS case work...RUN). I guarded my heart as much as I could for the first few months. But by the time she was 5 or 6 months old... I couldn't guard it any more. I couldn't imagine loving a child that I give birth to more than I love her. We have fought hard for Lil Miss. I feel confident we have always fought for her absolute best interest. In the last 18 months, I have relied on God, my husband, my family, and my friends more than I ever have before. And it has been a journey... more to come on that I am sure. ;) But I will leave it at that!

I have rambled enough for tonight. Back to school tomorrow. I love having two weeks off for Christmas...but it makes the going back awful hard. Today was a pretty typical day. Playdoh, painting, lots of babies and dolls, a few times watching Tinkerbell...I hope she does okay at day care tomorrow after two weeks of being with Mama and Daddy.